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Left to there own devices the average person from the republic would like to think that tongues would be bitten and that their Orange brothers from the north would walk down O’Connell Street and see the prosperity grown of self governance. “Haven’t we done well!� should have been the only slogan on protester banners.
The Loyalist parade would have had a moment to pause and see themselves reflected in the Luis and in the shop windows of a beautiful sunny, multicultural, secular city. The people of the new Ireland, the Irish, Chinese, Africans and Europeans, Hetros and Gays united in a view of events from a place in history no sane person would want to revisit.
Continue reading ‘Gulf de la Republica’
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Inhabitants of the mountainous villiage of Moral are bracing themselves for an invasion of politicans following the riots in Dublin this weekend.
Elected mouths from north and south of the border scrambled to reach the high ground where the villiage of Moral is built, in order to sanctimoniously crow over their opposite numbers.  However, the sheer volume of politicians diving to get their say and blame the other side for everything has sparked fears of overcrowding in the tiny settlement.Â
“There isn’t much high ground to go round here,” said one worried villiager. “All these people have their own back gardens full of skeletons, so why they want to come up here and take our land beats me.”
A completely different story is unfolding in the nearby hamlet of Responsibility however. “No one ever takes anything from here,” sighed a weary shopkeeper. “We’ve not seen any politicans in this place for years.”
A giant step was taken towards a United Ireland today, after brave republicans attacked Treaty riot police in Dublin.Â
Following the upturning of cars and the chucking of a few petrol bombs and some security fencing, the British have indicated their intention to pull out as soon as possible.Â
Unionists in the North have agreed to either remain quietly in the six counties or return to the land of their forefathers in Scotland, rather than face the wrath of a bunch of ill-organised, ill-educated louts, some of whom had travelled many miles to be offended by a march.
A spokesperson for the modern day heirs to Pearse said “I-I-IRA” in a muffled voice from behind a Celtic FC scarf.
Nudity-loving DUP man Sammy “Stripper” Wilson has criticised the government for trying to give him and his party more power.
In a move to be welcomed by all people who don’t want decisions on public expenditure taken by sunbathers with no clothes on in France, Sammy castigated the government for trying to give a future assembly powers to raise taxes for policing, like councils can in Britain.
Continue reading ‘Sensible Sam says no… again’
DUP leader “Dr” Ian Paisley Snr caused a major crisis today when he refused to meet himself for breakfast.
The shocking move comes in the wake of his refusals to meet anyone all week who might hold different views from himself.
“Mr Paisley is a man who I cannot meet under any circumstances, ” the veteran refusnik said confusingly about himself. “He is a member of a party whose members have shared platforms with unreconstructed terrorists, and who himself has been a member of a paramilitary organisation.”
“Unless I see photographs of the decommissioning of Ulster Resistance weapons, I will not sit down with this man,” blustered the DUP leader. “I need confidence. There can be no place for private armies in a democracy.
This is not the first time “Dr” Paisley has had trouble eating. For years he has had trouble swallowing anything put forward by any other human being, due to a chronic throat condition, which leads to him constantly being in danger of choking on his own self-righteousness.
Bearded funnyman Gerry Adams wowed fans yesterday at the annual Sinn Fein comedy meeting in Dublin.
Adams, who encourages his fans to vote for an agreement that keeps the Queen in Northern Ireland, delivered a hilarious stand-up routine.
The highlight was his side-splitting Police Board tent story, where Adams urinates into a tent marked “PSNI”, whilst complaining about conditions inside the canvas. Â
The climax to the story comes when a member of the press gasps “You can’t do that here, what if someone phones the police?” Adams’ retort left jaws aching around the room.  ”Sure there’s no police round here. If you want to complain, go to Sinn Fein, they’ll sort it out… unless you’re complaining about a good republican! Ho ho ho!”
Although popular, the gag has been criticised, as people in the vicinity of the prank not close enough to Adams often suffer the obvious side-effects of the joke.
For anyone from outside the North Eastern corner of Ireland, the names and beliefs of the four main political parties here can sometimes be a bit confusing. So here’s a handy quick guide… Continue reading ‘Political Parties in Northern Ireland -a quick guide’
It was announced today that Supreme Dictator of Northern Ireland, Peter Hain, has awarded himself even more powers.
Hain, who astounds his subjects into god-like worship by ignoring all their views and sporting a permanent tan, will now be able to call elections whenever he wants. However, he stressed that this in no way meant that Northern Ireland will become democratic.
“All this means,” giggled the mischevious Dear Leader in his strange South African accent, “is that when I get fed up ignoring one bunch of incompetent elected representatives, I can make the public pick another bunch at the drop of some suntan lotion.” He denied, however, that he’s going to keep calling elections until Sinn Fein agree to run Toireasa Ferris as a candidate in West Belfast.
Northern Ireland’s political parties, who get paid money to be ignored by the autocratic British socialist, didn’t make much of a reaction, as they get money and time on TV out of the deal.
So glorifying terror is going to be illegal in the UK, after a vote was passed in the House of Commons. In a fascinating interview on the Today programme this morning UK home secretary Charles Clarke dismissed concerns from human rights lawyers (”people with a vested interest”) and responded to claims that wearing a t-shirt supporting the Easter Rising would be an offence by calling them “absurd”, without actually explaining why.
The confusing thing for me has always been not what counts as glorification, but what counts as terrorism. Presumably things that happened a long time ago aren’t (Easter 1916), but current events are. So are the LTTE in Sri Lanka terrorists? People in Kashmir? It seems that we have to be happy with things exactly the way they are, and woe betide supporting anything the Government doesn’t agree with. Don’t forget they used their last Terrorism Act to stop a guy heckling the Foriegn Secretary at the Labour Party conference. Dangerous behaviour any terrorist would be proud of!
This week saw the opening of the XXX Winter Talklympics in Northern Ireland, where expert talklympions from across the bitter area compete in their respective events. Some of the highlights include…
Policeboarding - watch in amazement as national(ist) athletes try to stay on a thin board with little visable support amid dangerous local conditions (sport not approved by all nationalists)
Berrysleighing - see the dangers of allowing other men to enter a tight slippery chute at high speed with little protection
Giant Slalom - gasp as independent commissions try to navigate an impossible course through extreme zigzags and polar opposite positions using only thin words to steer
Downhill - yawn as you realise thats where this place is heading with these people taking part.
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