The British Government continued its new development policy towards Northern Ireland - subtitled “we don’t give a f*ck what you think, we’ll do what we like”- by releasing plans for the national stadium at the Maze.
“There is no Plan B, its this or nothing,” droned a faceless New Labour minister, eyeing a helicopter back to civilisation. As the NIO clearly couldn’t be bothered to write a speech different from the one his colleagues have been delivering about the political situation and the Assembly, hacks at the unveiling had to listen to the same old rhetoric about there being no other way and nonsense about renewal and regeneration and conflict resolution.
Officials at the Northern Ireland Office confirmed that no one had warned the minister of the danger of mixing sport and politics in speechs in Northern Ireland, like Old Firm fans have done for generations, because if they did they’d have to think of a new policy.
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Sinn Fein have reacted angrily to claims that a senior member of the party, Gerry Adams, has never been a spy for British intelligence.
“Its a disgraceful slur to suggest that anyone who gets to such a senior level hasn’t sold his soul to the British,” a spokesman for the party said, burning his Irish dictionary and humming God Save the Queen.
“We vet people severely before they reach the upper reaches, to make sure they’ve no traces of idealism and that they’re happy to call themselves republicans whilst agreeing to serve a partitionist assembly. Of course people like that will take the Queen’s shilling and rat out their colleagues.”
Reports from the other side that Ian Paisley has been saying the Hail Mary in Gaelic remain unconfirmed.
No matter who or where you are, over the next 6 weeks it’ll be difficult to avoid the “greatest show on earth”, the World Cup.
World Cups have always presented a problem to people in our country, irrespective of whether they think that country consists of 6 or 32 counties. There’s the problem of watching an event which is overwhelmingly watched and contested by Roman Catholics, never mind the tricky moral dilemma of watching a British sport which has always allowed members of the security forces to take part.
Yet with all the hype and media interest its hard not to get involved. So how can you stay true to your narrow-minded hate-filled philosophy, yet still enjoy the football? Never fear, for the BelfastBlogger.com Sectarian Guide to the World Cup is here!!
Continue reading ‘BelfastBlogger’s Sectarian Guide to the World Cup!’
Tsar of all the six counties, Peter Hain, today declared that the barking animal with four legs and a big waggy tail “wasn’t a dog”.
“Legendary vet Ian Paisley has said that he’ll have nothing to do with a dog, ” said the healthy-coloured autocrat, blending in with some brown wallpaper being delivered. “Therefore I want to assure him, and everyone else, that this thing licking my face and sniffing its testicles is definitely not a member of the canine family.”
Under the terms of the Assembly’s suspension, Hain has the God-like ability to do anything he wants, like call black white, let notorious thugs out of jail or even employ people without checking their references.
Local superstar and occasional politican Gerry Adams has won the title of worst giver in the entire world ever.
Adams beat off stiff competition from Christopher Columbus, who gave Europe syphilis, and Endemol entertainment, who gave the world Big Brother, to claim the prestigeous award.
“Adams’ talent as a uniquely horrible giver lies in his spanning both aspects of bad giving,” droned competition organiser Phil Papers.
“Not only is he an expert at trying to give people stuff they don’t want from him, such as Ian Paisley the title of First Minister or David Trimble his support, but he also refuses to give people stuff they actually want, such as backing for a police service or proper answers to questions about IRA membership,” bored Papers.
“Such spectacularly bad giving skills can only be the signs of a warped mind or a seriously sick sense of humour.”
Well known vet Dr Ian Paisley sensationally rejected the gift of a horse today, despite knowing that owning the exact animal offered had been his lifetime’s dream.
Paisley, who got his doctorate in veterinary sciences from the world famous Cowboy Bob Jones’ Studfarm, turned down the highly valuable breed of horse from the family “Firstus Ministerus”, after carrying out a thorough investigation of the horse’s mouth and not liking what he saw.
“The state of those teeth are a disgrace to Ulster!” he blustered, whistling as many S’s as possible. “Those rotten gnashers have not been properly cleaned and purified, and I won’t be accepting any horse until I’m certain the teeth are spotless, and have no trace of their dirty past.”
When it was pointed out to Dr Paisley that he had previously been happy to associate with many foul toothed nags, such as those from the Ulsterus Resistus and Kingus Ratus breeds, he turned purple and shouted “Those accusations are nothing new and have been accounted for!” without actually explaining anything.
Reg Empey yesterday announced a major change in the way his UUP ignores principles of democracy.
The party has a long and glorious history of ignoring the principles. In the past it has decided that issues regarding equality, fair elections and the idea that you can actually be voted out of office were not really something it wanted to get involved in.
In its latest move however Smug Reg, who believes himself to be the cleverist man in Stormont and doesn’t mind telling you that, has decided to go one step further and simply ignore the wishes of the electorate. The fact that people voted for parties who weren’t the UUP for a reason appears to have bypassed Reg’s formidable intellect.
Attempting to hoover up anyone in the Assembly without the principles to stand by the manifesto they were elected on proves one thing never changes about the UUP: that their sole principle is to gain power, and hang any democratic system that tries to stop them!
After three and a half years without amusement, laughter finally returned to Northern Ireland today, with the re-opening of the six counties top comedy club in Stormont.
The japesters up the hill couldn’t resist indulging in some of the antics which has made the place a by-word for the phrase non-working joke. Popular comic leader Gerry “Grizzly” Adams had them rolling by nominating his fellow jester, “Dr” Ian Paisley, for the job of compere. Paisley saw through the gag however, and once again the leadership of the popular establishment is up for grabs.
The finest joke of the day came courtesy of Lord of all Jokers, Peter Hain. He invited the comedians to a party at his house, after earning the estimated £2m paid to them by, er, signing their names.
Linfield FC have decided to transfer list ageing international star Park Windsor.
Windsor has been terminal decline recently. Age and rule changes, prohibiting many of his renowned skills, has made it impossible to live up to previous past performances. This was highlighted graphically in yesterdays Irish Cup final when, despite live TV coverage, the aging ground was unable to produce a decent riot between fans of Linfield and Glentoran.
Windsor has also disappointed recently in international football. Although there has been occasional flashes of the old Windsor atmosphere, particularly when Neil Lennon has played, it is commonly held that sectarian chanting has gone downhill during Northern Ireland matches. Edicts from football busybodies like FIFA means that this glorious tradition, once the bedrock of Linfield and Northern Ireland support, is less acceptable, and may go the way of the backpass to the goalkeeper.
Without the exposure and cash international football Windsor brings to Linfield, experts believe the club will have to cash in to avoid being up to its neck in debt, rather than the preferred fenian blood.
Why oh why do journalists feel the need to produce fawning, sychophantic interviews with Johnny Adair?
This is a man who owes all his fame to the most thuggish form of criminal activity, yet he’s constantly in the papers. Todays nauseating interview in the Sunday Times is another example, where his self-professed “bravery” and ego are flattered.
The story of the fight with Celtic fans is reproduced as a matter of fact, with no attempt at all to balance the story (Celtic fans view the event differently, as you can see from todays Sunday Life). In the same piece, however, the journalists ridicule the use of variations on “Mad Dog” to describe various members of Adair’s family. That might be lazy journalism, but its not as lazy or sickening as interviewing a notorious thug and swallowing whatever he says. Disgracful journalism.
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