Archive for July, 2006

Sad end near in Belfast Lough

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on July 26, 2006
in Belfast, DUP, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, Sinn Fein, irish politics and whale
. 0 Comments

A peace process has been described as “confused” and “at death’s door” after it was spotted swimming in Belfast Lough this week.

Peace processes normally steer well clear of Northern Ireland if they are fit and healthy, but experts have indicated that its proximity to the province is a bad sign.

“The process is beginning to roll about and is showing signs of distress, ” said a boffin.  “Unless it manages to get away from here soon, I think it hasn’t got much chance of surviving.  Peace Processes tend to get confused by the hot Northern Irish summer.”

Officials from the Government are currently attending to the process, trying to attract it to deeper water and far away from the Sinn Fein cement works, which could drag the stressed out mammal to its death, as the cleanliness of its effluent has not yet been fully verified.  The DUPower Station is also a danger, as the slightest contact with the unique brand of sanctimonious electricity produced there would render the thing deceased.

Suggestions that the process could be calmed down by pumping whale noises into the water have been dismissed as “ludicrous”.  However, happily, dropping Willie McCrea into Belfast Lough has not yet been ruled out.

Crazy people rushing to crazy place

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on July 24, 2006
in Belfast, Humour, Ireland, News and Northern Ireland
. 1 Comment

The PSNI put out an urgent call for more recruits today, after it was revealed that nutters who think here is better than somewhere else are coming to live in Northern Ireland by the thousand.

Figures released by bored beancounters indicate that migration is booming, as people swarm to enjoy our special brand of sectarianism, racism and foul-tasting swill.  And our police chiefs are worried.

“If people are leaving home to come here, then what the hell are they fleeing from?” said swiftly-promoted Assistant Chief Constable T. O’Ken from the Falls.  “Only lunatics or people on the run from the law in their own countries would come to this dive. 

“The mental instability of these people is evidenced by the fact that more of them are going to Tyrone than anywhere else.”

“We’re appealing for more resources.  Meanwhile, the general public should be wary and hostile to anyone with a strange accent or a darker look about them, ” he unnecessarily advised the local population.

Permatan Pete Pricks Egos

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on July 21, 2006
in Belfast, DUP, Ireland, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, SDLP, Sinn Fein, UUP and irish politics
. 0 Comments

MLAs across the spectrum have reacted with outrage to the suggestion that they will lose their support staff if they continue to not do their jobs.

Northern Ireland’s Deity, Peter Hain, has said that lawmakers don’t need staff to support them if they haven’t made any laws in nearly four years.  Selfless politicians, however, have been quick to point out the flaws in the plan.

“How am I going to find more work for my wife?” said one.  “We’ve a mortgage to pay, you know.”

Another claimed that he was quite prepared to lose his pay, but taking away his staff’s salary was an outrage.  “Its fair enough to take away member’s salary, ” he lied, “but my ego depends on being able to order people about.  Has Mr Hain thought through the consequences of removing the last trappings of power away from a bunch of sanctamonious self-important popinjays?  I bet not!”

 

Give Lebanon the Bomb

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on July 20, 2006
in Middle East, News, Politics, U.S.A and lebanon
. 0 Comments

Remember the kid who used to get bullied by everyone at school?  You know, the weedy one.  The kind of child who could do nothing right, and who everyone picked on to vent their own frustrations, even the teachers, who probably thought the same as you.  You felt sorry for them, and knew there must be some reason for it.  Bad home, mental health problems, both most likely.  Everyone knew no one would ever care you see.   But still, it was so easy.  Everyone piled in and made his life hell.  That poor wean is Lebanon. 

Its so easy for countries around the world to use Lebanon as the way to vent their frustrations.  Israel knowing its all Syria and Iran’s fault, but too afraid to send missles and bombs their way.  Oh no, those kids are far too big.  Much easier to pick on the weedy kid in the corner, Lebanon.  He’ll never fight back, and it’ll show everyone back home that Israel can handle itself.

Syria and Iran, they can bully Lebanon to do their dirty work.  Go there, steal those sweets, fire those rockets at the Israelis.  Do what we won’t, but don’t ever tout on us, cos we don’t want to get caught.  Easier to get schizo Lebanon, with its weak health and different personalities to do the job, and take the punishment.

The USA, the UK.  They’re the teachers.  They feel sorry for Lebanon, but they can’t be bothered to get too involved.  It must be Lebanon’s own fault.  Surely it can help itself, control that side to its personality that’s causing all the trouble.  Yes, that’s the simple answer, so it must be right.  And if it can’t, then it deserves everything it gets.  They don’t blame the Israelis.  Lebanon annoys them so much, they can see why Israel lashes out.  They encourage it.

Looking back now, I’m sure you’d love to do something different, to give that kid something to stop all the bullies.  Something to ensure that no one would pick on it again.  Well, lets do it. 

Lobby your elected representative.  (Note to readers in the Occupied Six Counties/Our Wee Ulster:  Lebanon is a place outside of here.  If your elected representative wants more info, tell him/er to look at something other than their picture in the local rag).  Write to the US, the UN, Putin, Bush, Chirac, Blair.  Set up websites.  March.  Set up online petitions.  Lebanon needs a way to tell the rest of the world to leave it alone, to stop fighting their ancient battles on its ground.  Well, North Korea has shown them the way.  I’m serious.   Lets give Lebanon the H-bomb.

Top Fun!

Published
by
Robyn
on July 13, 2006
in Northern Ireland
. 0 Comments

Not quite as fun as burning Irish flags but gave me the giggles

Thousands of white men walk down street

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on July 12, 2006
in Belfast, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Orange Order, PSNI, Parades, Politics, Sectarian, irish politics and lords resistance army
. 1 Comment

Thousands of men walked down the street in Northern Ireland today without anything untoward or objectional happening.

A heavy police presence, and numerous media organisations, watched as the men, who were all white and European, walked down the streets. The men, dressed in suits, played music as they walked.

“This is a great day for Northern Ireland, ” declared one bystander. “At last, people can walk down the streets dressed in suits without riots or violence occuring.”

Other, less important, news in brief..

Total war breaks out in Middle East, but they’re not really Europeans

Hundreds die in Mumbai bombs, but they’re Indians

Organisation responsible for the death and forced enslavement of thousands of children ignores talks, but don’t worry, the kids are black

DUP Out Perform Other Parties

Published
by
Robyn
on July 12, 2006
in DUP, Humour, Northern Ireland, Politics, SDLP, Sinn Fein, UUP and irish politics
. 0 Comments

Newsline

The DUP seem to being doing a better job of drawing attention of themselves then the other northern parties. SDLP hold up the tail with a late spurt of attention (might be their flag thing), while slow and low approach taken by the now all inclusive UUP. Sinn Fein being hot rats briefly in April are maintaining second fiddle to ever present white noise of the DUP who are most likely up because they spend most of their time shouting!

Gerry and Ian

Rather then the always on approach of Ian Paisley, Gerry Adams has his moments in the sun, but by comparison to more important figures in the UK the two heros of northern politics flat-line.

teletubbies

The good reverend is not impressed but is getting his game face on!

Paisley

The smell of burning rubber

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on July 11, 2006
in Belfast, Energy, News, Northern Ireland, Orange Order, Parades, Politics, Sectarian and environment
. 0 Comments

Its the 11th of July, and once again the depression sinks in about how backward a place we live in. 

Across the water, the British government tries to jiggle the twin problems of energy and the environment by advocating new nuclear power stations, in an attempt to light the country and clean the air. Meanwhile, over here, the country is lit by stone-age flame, and the air is choking with the acrid stench of rubber, both from bonfires and from cars screeching to get away from the Twelfth celebrations.

When was the last time you heard a Northern Ireland politician making a speech about the environment?  Peter Hain declares “No nuclear for Northern Ireland“, linking our energy policy inextricably with the Republic, and ensuring there are tough decisions to be made for this part of the world to reduce carbon.  Yet the only voices on energy-control from our representatives say take heat and energy out of the parades tomorrow, with of course the other side always more responsible for the resulting warming.

Forget the future, tradition rules the roost.  Its more important to celebrate battles of 300 years ago, or to decry men walking down the street, than it is to ensure that the men will still be here in 300 years, and that the streets are not then covered by the rising sea.  Though the thought is sometimes tempting… salt water rushing in would be one way to cleanse this place once and for all.

Worry about our environment?  Sure thats the responsibility of London, Dublin, Europe, the UN.  Energy problems?  Nothing to do with us.  We’ve three centuries of the problems of the past to fight and celebrate, without having to plan for the future too. 

Sure don’t the bonfires look amazing, attracting all our primordial instincts.  Sure we all have cars now, we’re free and easy.  Sure the smell of burning rubber is great, isn’t it?

The Orange story :: YU

Published
by
Robyn
on July 10, 2006
in Human Rights, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Orange Order, Politics, U.S.A, assembly, geopolitics, irish politics and love ulster
. 0 Comments

There is a good retrospective, somewhat introspective piece over at “The Young Unionists’” Website by Brian Crowe about the Orange tradition and it’s place in history. The Young Unionists website is a good one and while some of it will make some readers blood boil and others cheer they should all still read it.

Coming from the American Republic tradition and understand it’s ideals and failures, but I can’t help but acknowledge the irony of praising the Declaration of Independence written in the good republic (rather then the neighbor republic). Viewed through the eyes of time and the lens of Northern Ireland it’s a wonderfully relevant piece. What I see as a new found embracing of the American revolution by Unionism and The Orange is little more then a straw man.

It is human nature to distance ourselves from the nipple of our mother and make our own way in life. What relevance does a Monarch or a Pope have in any of our lives? This question can only be answered by the respublica, république other wise know as the people.

Highlights of the Declaration of Independence

The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies\

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

SDLP Flagwatch with Online Form!

Published
by
Robyn
on July 10, 2006
in Northern Ireland, Policing, SDLP and world cup
. 4 Comments

Ear to the ground like a spinning break-dancer the SDLP have launched a heartfelt initiative to strengthen Northern Ireland’s Flag laws. With such a catchy title the “Flag Watch” campaign is set to “mobilize public opinion to press for stronger legislation and a co-ordinated police/government approach to intimidatory displays of flags and political or sectarian symbols in public places.”

Deputy Leader Dr Alasdair McDonnell said: “The time has come for all of us to grasp the nettle and do what is clearly necessary to move community relations forward.

“Flags can intimidate, flags can divide. Flags are being used to mark out sectarian territory, to make a statement of community dominance and community exclusion. Paramilitary flags are intimidating by their very nature, whether they have a historic date on them or not. Massive displays of national flags are also perceived of threatening. “We have got to find the right balance between celebration of culture and heritage on the one hand, and intimidation and exclusion on the other[…]

“Government agencies are passing the buck, and the protocol they agreed two years ago clearly isn’t working, isn’t being implemented. Ninety-nine percent of flag displays are on DRD lamp posts or other public property paid for by all the ratepayers. The police say the flying of paramilitary flags is a community issue, when it is clearly a crime under the Terrorism Act. Displays in mixed areas are covered by breach of the peace legislation, but there is absolutely no consistency in police enforcement on this issue[…]

They have even launched a website which has been beautifully illustrated with what appears to photographs taken with Dr McDonnell’s camera-phone and a “Online form”. WholyCrap WTF else would a form online be called! But then again if you get past the pastiche commentary;

The SDLP believes that public property – like lampposts – belongs to all of us and should not be used to intimidate any of us.

And have been intimidated by any lamppost wielding flags fill out their “Online Form” I take it that when they refer to tricolours they mean the Irish Flag and not the Italian, French or Ghanaian tricolours which have been adorning the streets of Northern Ireland throughout the world cup which I am sure must have offended more then a few people.

When the laws you have are not being inforced introducing new ones ensures you just have more laws not being inforced.