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Sideshow Bob McCartney, flapfooted leader of the UK Unionist Party, today blasted republicans for including a GM-free Ireland proposal in their manifesto.
McCartney is standing for election in 6 seats and today insisted that, should he be elected to all six, he would serve all six consituencies.
“This is a blatent, disgraceful attempt by republicans to force us into a United Ireland, ” he roared, before trodding on several rakes nearby. “Thanks to the surrender of Ian Paisley, I am now the major block on the road to Dublin, and plan to clone myself several times to serve the hundreds of thousands of people who want to vote for me.”
“Sinn Fein are running as scared as their chum Ian, and I want to assure them that I will find a way to represent all the people of Northern Ireland, despite their bombs, bullets and opposition to playing God with science, ” concluded the barrister, politician and former TV clown.
This is not Sideshow Bob’s first flirting with the edges of electoral law. He previously won a Mayoral election in the American city of Springfield by placing dead pets on the electoral register.
The Irish Government has weighed into the NI Assembly election campaign in the best possible way, by promising us all great wads of cash.
“Selling out has had a bad rap in the North over the years, even in this election from both hardline Unionists and Republicans, ” said an Irish Government spokesman in his gold shoes today. “But we aim to change their minds and prove that, hey, it ain’t so bad.”
“Look at all these lovely lovely Euros, ” he continued, slapping back hundreds of greedy hands with a designer silk whip, complete with diamond encrusted handle. “Ah ah, ye’s know what ye have to do if ye want this…” he teased unnecessarily.
No major political parties have yet commented on the proposals, not even the D”U”P, a strong sign that the devilish Dubliners plans might be working.
Distressed at the worrying signs of a long-term settlement on the horizon, and the potential influx of foriegn tourists and long lost relatives coming home to visit, Belfast International Airport has reacted swiftly to ensure it remains a sleepy semi-international airport threatened by its slicker city cousin.
“Aldergrove stands for a lot of things, ” said an airport spokesman. “Complacency, inconvenience, poor service. These are things which are tough to keep up. I mean, Its hard enough to sleep here with jets flying overhead, never mind millions more tourists bothering us.” And that cosy way of life could be bothered more in the future if the expected tourist boom hits post-Stormont settlement.
“Thats why we’ve decided to say ‘Go away and don’t annoy us’ in the clearest possible manner,” he continued, “by saying to all potential customers ‘Fly from here if you really must, but don’t think you’re parking your car here!‘”
Will this innovate brand of customer neglect really save the safe way of life at Aldergrove. As this blogger checks the prices of flights from the City and Dublin, I’m betting it will.
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