The National Anthrax Association (NAA) has reacted furiously to suggestions that the ownership of the cattle-related disease should be subject to regulation.
Following recent tragic events, in which the use of anthrax has resulted in the deaths of many people, there have been calls for the ownership of the carnage-causing illness to be limited. The chief spore of the NAA however, Ben Moses, has insisted that the demands are the result of lily livered liberal types, whose nannying will see us all back in communist Russia.
“Having dangerous materials and being able to use them to defend myself is my constitutional right, ” he cried in his best Mount Sinai voice. “I’ll tell you the only way they’ll take my biological agents away from me. From my cold, dead lungs!”
Moses also rejected suggestions that, as there was no other possible use for Anthrax nowadays other than killing things, it was reasonable to have some form of government regulation. “Anthrax has many peaceful uses, such as killing cattle, consarn it.”
“People kill people, not toxic spores. With personal responsibility and strong punishment of misuse, everyone can enjoy their animal diseases free from state interference.”
A report published by Queens University has revealed encouraging changes in the behaviour of teenagers in Northern Ireland.
“For the past 30 years or so, our young people have been engaged in pointless and frankly worrying activities, such as engaging in politics and sectarian rioting, ” said the report’s author, Professor Mad O’Baggins.
“Recent studies, however, have shown that today’s kids have moved away from such unnatural urges, and are instead participating in healthy activities, such as experimenting with household substances and smoking dope daily. Getting stoned takes their minds off the old pastimes like stoning the police, and leads to a much more positive situation for everyone.”
“Dope slows you down and stops you thinking, and a good daily dose keeps them from realising how bleak and limited their futures are in a tiny place like here.”
Professor O’Baggins insisted, however, that there was still a long way to go. “Our kids are still a long way behind in under-age sex and taking legal drugs such as alcohol, ” he warned. “Without vital education in the non-use of condoms and the wonders of Buckfast, we will remain far behind more civilised places, such as any comparable city in Great Britain.”
Lord Trimble of His Own Arsehole will soon have television viewers across the UK checking the colour settings on their TV, as he gets strangely embarrassed over the slightest question for his new party, the Conservatives.
Never one to belittle his own importance or ambition, Trimble extracted himself from his nether regions to reveal that bringing his previous party to the point of annihilation has been all part of a cunning plan to get him a position within David Cameron’s Tories, where he laughably insists he won’t be rushing into a shadow cabinet post. Cameron welcomed Trimble whilst definitely not wiping a white powder away from his nose.
Trimble has been feted by the Conservative Party for years as a statesman and a kind of genius politician who rescued Northern Ireland from the abyss. While he did play his part in our wonderful new politics, people often tend to forget the image and event that got him elected on a hardline ticket as UUP leader, the march down the Garvaghy Road with Big Ian. As leader, he copied that most beloved Conservative, Margaret Thatcher, by developing and sticking to a policy that spelled out electoral suicide for his party.
Now he’s got bigger fish to fry, and he won’t have to endure the bizarre scenes outside his own count during elections where he was jostled and manhandled. Trimble always appeared aloof and uneasy in dealings with his own electorate and the great unwashed. The Lords are much more suitable and genteel, but he comes into the Tories with a big reputation, and the young non-cocaine takers of Cameron’s new Conservatives will want something major from their new Nobel laureate. They are changing the Party from the one Trimble once knew at a rapid pace, and the marriage may not be the one made in heaven Lord of his Own Arsehole is expecting.
Published in Belfast,
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The DUP’s appointment of Edwin Poots as the minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure from next month has raised some eyebrows. The biggest issue facing the culture Department is the location of the new national stadium for Northern Ireland.
Mr Poots’ position on this is quite clear. Like virtually every other big capital investment that has been proposed, Poots wants the stadium to be located in the Maze, in his constituency. He was even Chair of a development group tasked with making this happen. There have been rumours of a dirty deal between Sinn Fein and the DUP to ensure this happens, as the Shinners want a memorial to the hunger strikers to also be a part of the Maze development.
Where all this is leading has the potential to be quite worrying, not least for Sinn Fein, who would do well to note Poots’ opinions on other areas within his new remit. He has come from nowhere to gain a prominent role in the new administration, and you can’t help wondering why neither Nigel “Diddyman” Dodds, Jeffery “Daniel” Donaldson or Gregory “Londonderry Rangers” Campbell are in at the moment. Is Paisley’s position within his own party maybe not as secure as everyone is letting on?
Most GAA, Rugby and soccer fans would rather see the stadium in Belfast. Most people in Northern Ireland wouldn’t be too exercised about a memorial to the hunger strikers. But if the way to avoid a “battle a day” is to staff the Departments with Paisley’s most unquestioning adherants and let them do deals with Sinn Fein for each of their narrow ends, then good government looks a long way away.
Officials working for the new power-sharing executive at Stormont have insisted that the extended good weather Northern Ireland has enjoyed since the Paisley-Adams press conference is just the beginning of life in the new paradise.
Policy-makers have outlined a Programme for Government that will make the six counties a proper Garden of Eden, and its all thanks to us leaving our hated-filled past behind.
Proposals for the future include:
- Birds suddenly appearing when you are near
- Butterflies compulsory from April to October
- Hangover-free beer sold half price in all pubs
- Guaranteed romps with either Orlaith McAllistar or the Norn Irish bloke from Shameless, depending on your gender and persuasion
“Life really will be worth living now we all get along famously, ” said a source close to the Executive. “People will always have a smile on their faces and a song in their hearts, even if you hum The Sash on the Falls Road or say you’re from Derry on the Shankill.”
“Oh yes, its all great from now on. We’re home on a boat. Honest.”
Published in Belfast,
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ian paisley,
irish politics and
peter robinson .
Northern Ireland’s political parties today demonstrated the new, mature attitude we all have to politics here by revealing how the 10 government departments will be divided up between them in May.
The DUP got first pick, and it was no surprise that they took the Department for Stopping Money Getting to Nationalist Areas as the lead off. The rest of the party’s picks were a little surprising, as they opted for the Department for Giving Grants to Unionist Businessmen, the Department for Making Sure Protestant Farmers Can Flog Land For Big Prices, and the tiny Department for the Destruction of the Irish Language and GAA (Northern Ireland).
Sinn Fein got three departments. They surprised no one by once again going for the Department for the Abolition of the 11 plus and Promotion of Compulsory Irish. They also chose the Department for Massive Feck-Off Cross-Border Motorways, and the Department for Ensuring Those Farmers Don’t Dig Over There Where Our Spare Semtex Is Buried.
The Ulster Unionists, who had first pick in the last, short lived executive, decided on the Department for Making Sure What’s Left Of Our Elderly Electorate And Party Workers Survive to the Next Election, and the Department for Making Sure Our Young Potential Electorate Don’t Bugger Off To Edinburgh University and Vote Conservative.
The SDLP is left with the final ministry, the Department for Encouraging People on Benefits in Catholic Areas to Drop Sinn Fein.
Overseeing all this, in a very limited manner as they can’t actually sack or move ministers, is a “reformed” bigot in a totally ridiculous hat and a “reformed” terrorist who looks like Art Garfunkel.
Good Government ahoy!!
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