Archive for the 'assembly' Category

MLA “actually worked during suspension” shock

Ian Paisley junior: industrious bastard

The press and political community in Northern Ireland has been thrown into turmoil by shocking revelations involving Ian Paislely jnr MLA.

In a series of exhaustive reports both print and broadcast media have been reporting stunning allegations suggesting that, despite the Assembly being suspended, the MLA (known as “junior” or “waste of big Ian’s spunk”) had been doing part of the job he was being been paid to do.

“This makes us look like fools, ” raged “special investigations” correspondents across all of the North’s papers and press agencies. “For years we were feeding the line that these guys were a bunch of work-shy layabouts. Now we discover one of them was actually writing letters on behalf of his constitutents, like a proper politician!”

“If we find out other MLAs were doing the same, ” the reporter’s voice quivered, “we might actually have to do work like proper journalists ourselves. Then we’re fecked.”

Fear has also mounted amongst other MLAs, who had been doing their best to live up to their voters’ expectations by scratching their arses for the suspension years.

“Its the end of the gravy train if one of us was actually working during suspension, ” wailed one. “We’re not taking this lying down though. We’re working with the media to smear this industrious bastard and make sure none of us have to work again.”

Junior himself has been showing the strain. Under pressure during a live television interview, he said that he “knew of” working but failed to indicate exactly how hard he had been doing his job.

Post Office closures will “hit ex-terrorists hardest”

Sinn Fein have slammed the Government’s decision to close Post Offices in Northern Ireland, claiming that the ex-terrorist community will be hardest hit by the branch closures.

“It takes a long time for people to get ‘weaned off’ active service, and its a disgrace that the British Government is taken this decision with no idea of its impact,” said in-no-way-former-terrorist-or-terrorist-representative Francie Molloy, Sinn Fein MLA. 

“Post Offices play a valuble role in isolated areas, providing a source of income and a gentle form of therapy for former volunteers who, whilst they aren’t bombing and shooting anymore, still need the thrill of holding up a counter and making off with thousands in used notes, ” he continued.  “Sure its only a wee bit of money, and its a victimless activity.”

The news will also worry ex-IRA treasurers, who had been hoping to use Post Offices to fill the large gap in the organisation’s pension fund caused by the failure of the Northern Bank robbery.  Reports however that, in desperation, raids have been planned on the dinner money of Northern Irish schoolkids have been denied by Education Minister, Catroina Ruane.

DUP Poots stadium in Maze

The DUP’s appointment of Edwin Poots as the minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure from next month has raised some eyebrows.  The biggest issue facing the culture Department is the location of the new national stadium for Northern Ireland.

Mr Poots’ position on this is quite clear.  Like virtually every other big capital investment that has been proposed, Poots wants the stadium to be located in the Maze, in his constituency.  He was even Chair of a development group tasked with making this happen.  There have been rumours of a dirty deal between Sinn Fein and the DUP to ensure this happens, as the Shinners want a memorial to the hunger strikers to also be a part of the Maze development.

Where all this is leading has the potential to be quite worrying, not least for Sinn Fein, who would do well to note Poots’ opinions on other areas within his new remit.  He has come from nowhere to gain a prominent role in the new administration, and you can’t help wondering why neither Nigel “Diddyman” Dodds, Jeffery “Daniel” Donaldson or Gregory “Londonderry Rangers” Campbell are in at the moment.   Is Paisley’s position within his own party maybe not as secure as everyone is letting on?

Most GAA, Rugby and soccer fans would rather see the stadium in Belfast.  Most people in Northern Ireland wouldn’t be too exercised about a memorial to the hunger strikers.  But if the way to avoid a “battle a day” is to staff the Departments with Paisley’s most unquestioning adherants and let them do deals with Sinn Fein for each of their narrow ends, then good government looks a long way away. 

Allister just the beginning as worrying splits continue in DUP

Concern is beginning to spread that the DUP may not hold together following the historic decision to share power with Sinn Fein.

Jim Allister at his press conference announcing his resignation

The first major sign of dissent came with Jim Allister, the party’s MEP and a major player in the fantasy look-a-like community, resigning from the party.  At a press conference to announce his decision, Allister seemed, barely able to control his anger.  “Thieves, they’ve stolen our preciousssss union, nasty rude hobbitses, we hates them forever, gollum!”

A flurry of councillors in liberal Ballymena have also since resigned, worried that the party have been rushing to embrace Sinn Fein too quickly.   

Peter Robinson new election poster

Deputy DUP leader and potential finance Minister Peadair Mhic Róibín has insisted, however, that events aren’t moving too quickly, and that the party has not betrayed its principles and sold out in return for the trappings of power.  A statement said that “now is the time to move forward for the future of us all.  Is mise Peadair.”

God “plague threat” wins day

God speaking to frightened subjects

God today claimed total credit for the breakthrough in the Northern Ireland peace process, declaring that his threats of a plague had forced political leaders to repent and amend their ways. 

God, showing signs of tanning and skin damage from appearing too close to the sun, boomed out in a loud voice:

“And I hardened the hearts of the tribe of Adams who hath a beard, and the tribe of Paisley who hath a stupid fecking hat;

And I said unto them ‘Lo!  If you doth not repent and forgive your enemy seven times seventy times, and suffer to speak unto them, then I shall unleash a plague of letters demanding payment for the very water which gushes so frequently from the heavens’;

And they were frightened of this wrathful and jealous God, and did spake unto each other ‘Brother, let us put aside our differences, and repent, so that we may drive around in Ministerial cars and gain large wages courtesy of the taxpayer and Gordon Brown’;

And I saw this, and was glad, and verily showed My pleasure by making the impossible possible, introducing emergency legislation in the Commons to delay dissolution for 6 weeks.”

Critics tried to accuse God of lying about the plague, but before they could claim it was all a ruse to get what He wanted God had turned them into a pillar of suntan lotion.

Almighty God claims He is “powerless to stop flood”

God appearing in His chosen form

In a sensational move, The Lord Almighty has claimed he is powerless to stop the flood about to hit poor boatmaker Noah Ireland and his desendants.  And, in a staggering admission, he claims that not only will Noah get wet, but that he’ll have to pay for each drop of water sent gushing down in his catastrophic wrath.

God, sporting a healthy tan and a South African accent, laid the blame firmly at the door of the bedraggled shipwright’s elders, and at Noah himself for being led by them.  And despite being able to create worlds in seven days, and to dissolve assemblies at the drop of a hat, he insisted there was nothing he could do about the flood.

“I am a jealous God, but not a mad one, and frankly I’m a bit fed up looking after this bunch of ingrates and bigots,” he boomed.  “If your elders insist on whinging over sharing the temple to worship Me, then I’m off to become a deputy God in Hinduism, where there’s loads more people and they’re a darn sight easier to look after.”

The Lord also repeated His threat to charge for the flood He is about to send down.  “I’ve warned you before that if the flood comes, its your fault and you’re all paying for it.  Don’t forget, I can do anything!  Except stop floods, I’m not a Polish plumber you know.”

Noah has begun constructing an ark to save all life in his vicinity.  However, hopes of a rescue seem doomed as his previous effort at a boat, HMS Stormont, collapsed when it touched water, due to its mentalist construction method.

What? You want more amateur analysis of that bloody election? Yippee!

Well, we had an election that would make Donald Horowitz proud.  Voters rushing to elect the staunchest people from “their” side.  For all the talk of bread and butter (or should that be rates and water) politics, no one can seriously say that the massive votes for the DUP and Sinn Fein were based on Peter Robinson initiating a water review, or Gerry Adams promoting unified rates of corporation tax. 

Elections in Northern Ireland are different, that much is obvious.  For one thing, in other parts of Western Europe its easy to interpret exactly what an election means.  An election there is a conclusion to a process. Voters know what the elected parties stand for; all they have to do then is sit back and watch the elected making a haimes of it.

Here, its different.  There’s now more speculation following the election than there was before, thanks to the post election deadline imposed by Permatan.  Any guessing at this stage is foolish, but given the foolish stuff regularly posted by this blogger, I’m willing to bet that Stormont will be back before long.  The dastardy governments will isolate Big Ian and weaken his resolve with temptations, just like happened at St Andrews, and before you can say “tempted by the devil for 40 days in the desert” the Rev will be in his First Minister’s car.

More interesting is the impact of the elections on the parties.  The DUP are being touted as the obvious winners, as they got the most seats.  Two quick thoughts on this.  Firstly, the DUP did a brilliant job of mixing their messages, so its very hard to see if a vote for the DUP was either for or against sharing power with Sinn Fein.  This tactic maximised their mandate in this election, but no matter which way they jump now some people somewhere will be left feeling betrayed.  The second point is that this may be the last election in which the DUP can stand as the great opposers.  If Stormont comes back, they’ll have four ministers and a first minister.  They’ll have to deliver, and then run on their record positively rather than opposing their great enemies in Sinn Fein and the Ulster Unionists.  Given the possibility too of the departure of the Rev and his personal vote from the scene, it could well be that this election is the high water mark for the party.

The Ulster Unionists were hit badly by a pincer movement.  The question is what are they for, apart from laughing at?  A succession of boring, grey suited men sounded less than convincing trying to say they’d be happy sharing power with Sinn Fein.  Words and appearances were vastly different, and the UUP ended up appealing to very little.  If maintaining the union was the most important thing bar everything else, then you voted DUP.  Clever Reg underestimated the extent to which this simple question is still the number one issue in Northern Ireland.  If you wanted to move forward into a new Northern Ireland within the UK, but with proper local politics, then the confident and vibrant Alliance Party seemed to many a better bet.  The road ahead is tough for the UUP now.  A radical suggestion would be not to take up their ministerial seats, and steal the DUP’s clothes by becoming a proper opposition party, picking holes in the policies of inexperienced ministers.  Should the famed Plan B come into play, then the UUP could also have a flank to attack the DUP on more Dublin interference and higher taxes imposed by direct rule.  There is scope for a comeback, but it needs energy, courage and a radical overhaul of a party system still living in the one-party state.  The doubts are whether the party is capable of this at all.  Surrender to the DUP is still a liklihood.

The Sinn Fein performance can only be described as a triumph.  They have a number of unique characteristics that make them a formidable vote-winning machine, including expert vote management and constituency planning, iron discipline from candidates still used to a psuedo-military structure and command, hard working activists on the ground and the island’s foremost political communicator in Gerry Adams.  Their steady rise looks to have stronger foundations than the DUP, with more consolidation of their votes.  Only in Foyle was their performance perhaps a little disappointing, possibily due to voters being fed up with their top candidates being parachuted elsewhere.  A strong showing in the election south of the border could lead to Sinn Fein ministers on both sides of the border.  A cross-border body with two Sinn Fein ministers running it?  Its not so far-fetched.

The SDLP face similar problems to the UUP, in particular a lack of central control and running too many candidates.  The only way out for them now appears to be a link with a party south of the border.  Irish Labour would be closer politically, but Fianna Fail would be a smarter move.  This would undercut Sinn Fein’s “only all-Ireland” party ticket, and provide energy, experience, expertise and, most importantly, power.  The SDLP look like a party in decline, and that will never attract enough voters.  A radical overhaul is needed, akin to the British Liberal Party’s long rebirth as the Liberal Democrats, and links with the South appear to be the only way to achieve such a radical transformation.

Finally, the breakthrough of the Alliance would have made even Charles Kennedy raise a glass to his sister party.  They looked fresh faced, their focussing on “normal politics” played well with the voters they targeted and in Naomi Long they had the outstanding female candidate in this election, articulate, passionate and an excellent TV communicator.  The victory of Anna Lo in South Belfast also gave the party a real sense of identity and difference, that contrasted with the UUP’s attempt at normal politics. They are not far off a ministerial post, and the days of ignoring the “NIO plant” party, constantly cutting them out from major TV debates, may be over.

Vote Early, Often - Official Election Guidance

OFFICIAL ELECTION COMMUNICATION 

The Electoral Commission of Northern Ireland has asked all media outlets to issue the following guidance.  The purpose is to remind voters of their obligations when going to vote in today’s election.

  • Remember that the polls are only open from 7am-10pm.  If you are voting in multiple polling stations, the Roads Service have asked that you plan your route so there isn’t a hurry after 9pm, to lessen possible road accidents
  • Please remember to bring your photo ID.  If the nice man/woman canvassing at your door offers to vote for you, at least make sure they bear a passing resemblance to your photo ID.
  • Voting twice at the same polling station is discouraged, but not impossible.  Remember that there will be changes of staff at lunch and teatime, allowing you to vote often with lessening suspicion.
  • If you are in cahoots with the election officials, please do not make things too obvious by giving exaggerated winks or over-complicated handshakes in front of the candidates’ representatives.
  • It is crucial to realise that any vote for a non-sectarian party is a wasted vote.  The Electoral Commission reserve the right to lose, not count, or shred your vote if you insist on trying to elect these freaks of nature
  • The ballot is a secret ballot, but if you take a “free” black taxi ride to the polling station and then don’t vote for the party your chaffeur recommends, the Electoral Commission cannot be liable for any resulting holes in your knees/head

Owing to our incompetence there will be massive queues, and you will have to wait over two days to get the final results to a simple tally.

COMMUNICATION ENDS

SEX hits election campaign at last

After weeks of waiting, the election campaign finally got SEXED up today, with SEX becoming an election issue!

Seasoned hacks got hot under the collar as a group of women shared a platform, and began to freely and frankly discuss SEX, causing newspaper editors to sweat at the mere thought that, at last, they’d be able to put SEX into their headlines, hopefully doubling sales amongst Norn Iron’s randy readership.

“There’s not enough wimmen standing for election in this place,” droned a spokeswoman for the Women into Politics group, failing to see the irony in her whinging whilst not standing herself.  “Maybe if more women were involved, things would be different around here,” she concluded, showing scant regard for crease-free shirts amongst Northern Irish males.

Journalists left the event a bit frustrated with the lack of heat.  But it still gave them an excuse to use the word SEX in their papers (or blogs), and maybe even publish a photo of Sharon Haughey, standing for the SDLP in Armagh, to boost traditionally flagging election time sales.

Oh, by the way…. SEX.

Parties unite over key election issue!

Northern Ireland’s four main political parties are due to stun the world by issuing a joint letter, in which all of them agree and believe.

The letter will basically be one long begging plea to Gordon Brown not to leave them in the shit, running a tired, over-administrated part of the world with absolutely no infrastructure and no funds to put it right.  This could damage the popularity of people who’ve never said anything other than “No” or “Brits out”, leaving the public wondering why they’d bothered to elect any of the jokers in the first place.

They will also have the audacity to claim that they deserve to be rewarded with more public funds for simply doing the job they’ve been paid to do for almost ten years now - form an executive and make some laws, instead of engaging in childish squabbling and self-righteous one-upmanship. 

Sources close to the Treasury claim they would be stunned, except they’re too busy laughing.