Belfast Blogger

Lord Trimble of His Own Arsehole will soon have television viewers across the UK checking the colour settings on their TV, as he gets strangely embarrassed over the slightest question for his new party, the Conservatives.

Never one to belittle his own importance or ambition, Trimble extracted himself from his nether regions to reveal that bringing his previous party to the point of annihilation has been all part of a cunning plan to get him a position within David Cameron’s Tories, where he laughably insists he won’t be rushing into a shadow cabinet post.  Cameron welcomed Trimble whilst definitely not wiping a white powder away from his nose.

Trimble has been feted by the Conservative Party for years as a statesman and a kind of genius politician who rescued Northern Ireland from the abyss.  While he did play his part in our wonderful new politics, people often tend to forget the image and event that got him elected on a hardline ticket as UUP leader, the march down the Garvaghy Road with Big Ian.  As leader, he copied that most beloved Conservative, Margaret Thatcher, by developing and sticking to a policy that spelled out electoral suicide for his party. 

Now he’s got bigger fish to fry, and he won’t have to endure the bizarre scenes outside his own count during elections where he was jostled and manhandled.  Trimble always appeared aloof and uneasy in dealings with his own electorate and the great unwashed. The Lords are much more suitable and genteel, but he comes into the Tories with a big reputation, and the young non-cocaine takers of Cameron’s new Conservatives will want something major from their new Nobel laureate.  They are changing the Party from the one Trimble once knew at a rapid pace, and the marriage may not be the one made in heaven Lord of his Own Arsehole is expecting.