Belfast Blogger

A report published by Queens University has revealed encouraging changes in the behaviour of teenagers in Northern Ireland.

“For the past 30 years or so, our young people have been engaged in pointless and frankly worrying activities, such as engaging in politics and sectarian rioting, ” said the report’s author, Professor Mad O’Baggins.

“Recent studies, however, have shown that today’s kids have moved away from such unnatural urges, and are instead participating in healthy activities, such as experimenting with household substances and smoking dope daily.  Getting stoned takes their minds off the old pastimes like stoning the police, and leads to a much more positive situation for everyone.”

“Dope slows you down and stops you thinking, and a good daily dose keeps them from realising how bleak and limited their futures are in a tiny place like here.”

Professor O’Baggins insisted, however, that there was still a long way to go.  “Our kids are still a long way behind in under-age sex and taking legal drugs such as alcohol, ” he warned.  “Without vital education in the non-use of condoms and the wonders of Buckfast, we will remain far behind more civilised places, such as any comparable city in Great Britain.”