Diane Dodds, DUP councillor on the Shankill Road, has reacted angrily to the decision to build a block of luxury flats in the area.
“We in the upper reaches of the DUP have spent years keeping loyalist people in poverty and ignorance, ” said Mrs Dodds, who was on the way to the bank to cash her husband’s first monthly pay packet of £9166.
“After all, this is the only way they’d believe that, despite all the social deprivation in the area, the most important thing in their lives is a having a British passport. And we’ve been laughing all the way to the ballot box, and the bank, ever since!”
“When they see how well off other people in Northern Ireland are, right on their own doorsteps, they might ask whether we should have been doing something more important over the last 30 years than stopping road signs going up in Irish. It must be stopped!” she concluded before speeding off to her own, non-working class, home.
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Northern Ireland’s political parties today demonstrated the new, mature attitude we all have to politics here by revealing how the 10 government departments will be divided up between them in May.
The DUP got first pick, and it was no surprise that they took the Department for Stopping Money Getting to Nationalist Areas as the lead off. The rest of the party’s picks were a little surprising, as they opted for the Department for Giving Grants to Unionist Businessmen, the Department for Making Sure Protestant Farmers Can Flog Land For Big Prices, and the tiny Department for the Destruction of the Irish Language and GAA (Northern Ireland).
Sinn Fein got three departments. They surprised no one by once again going for the Department for the Abolition of the 11 plus and Promotion of Compulsory Irish. They also chose the Department for Massive Feck-Off Cross-Border Motorways, and the Department for Ensuring Those Farmers Don’t Dig Over There Where Our Spare Semtex Is Buried.
The Ulster Unionists, who had first pick in the last, short lived executive, decided on the Department for Making Sure What’s Left Of Our Elderly Electorate And Party Workers Survive to the Next Election, and the Department for Making Sure Our Young Potential Electorate Don’t Bugger Off To Edinburgh University and Vote Conservative.
The SDLP is left with the final ministry, the Department for Encouraging People on Benefits in Catholic Areas to Drop Sinn Fein.
Overseeing all this, in a very limited manner as they can’t actually sack or move ministers, is a “reformed” bigot in a totally ridiculous hat and a “reformed” terrorist who looks like Art Garfunkel.
Good Government ahoy!!
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Northern Ireland’s four main political parties are due to stun the world by issuing a joint letter, in which all of them agree and believe.
The letter will basically be one long begging plea to Gordon Brown not to leave them in the shit, running a tired, over-administrated part of the world with absolutely no infrastructure and no funds to put it right. This could damage the popularity of people who’ve never said anything other than “No” or “Brits out”, leaving the public wondering why they’d bothered to elect any of the jokers in the first place.
They will also have the audacity to claim that they deserve to be rewarded with more public funds for simply doing the job they’ve been paid to do for almost ten years now - form an executive and make some laws, instead of engaging in childish squabbling and self-righteous one-upmanship.
Sources close to the Treasury claim they would be stunned, except they’re too busy laughing.
The explosion in suicide-inducing conversations about property prices around Northern Ireland shows no signs of abating, new figures have revealed.
Annual statistics show that the number of boring discussions about house prices have risen by 25% over the last year. And experts say that the trend shows no sign of slowing.
“You can’t walk into a pub anywhere now without hearing some absolute tosser boasting about how his or her house is worth £600 more this week, “ said Professor of Obnoxious Twat Studies at the University of Ulster, Mr Hal Ifax.
“Unfortunately the rest of us, who don’t give a monkeys about the market in BT whatever, have no option but to endure these morons blather on while they don’t realise that if they cash in on their property they’ll have to buy another one at an equally ridiculous price, and that the market always, ALWAYS, comes down eventually.”
“The Samaritans have been alerted to the high liklihood of wrist slitting incidents for the forseeable future, ” continued the Professor. “In the meantime, if anyone overhears one of those tedious conversations, please resist the urge to clean Boots out of their paracetomol stock, and instead proceed to talk about the world rise in interest rates, the flexibilty of renting, and the inevitable bursting of the bubble. These actions should stem the worst of the symptoms.
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