Archive for the 'elections' Category

MLA “actually worked during suspension” shock

Ian Paisley junior: industrious bastard

The press and political community in Northern Ireland has been thrown into turmoil by shocking revelations involving Ian Paislely jnr MLA.

In a series of exhaustive reports both print and broadcast media have been reporting stunning allegations suggesting that, despite the Assembly being suspended, the MLA (known as “junior” or “waste of big Ian’s spunk”) had been doing part of the job he was being been paid to do.

“This makes us look like fools, ” raged “special investigations” correspondents across all of the North’s papers and press agencies. “For years we were feeding the line that these guys were a bunch of work-shy layabouts. Now we discover one of them was actually writing letters on behalf of his constitutents, like a proper politician!”

“If we find out other MLAs were doing the same, ” the reporter’s voice quivered, “we might actually have to do work like proper journalists ourselves. Then we’re fecked.”

Fear has also mounted amongst other MLAs, who had been doing their best to live up to their voters’ expectations by scratching their arses for the suspension years.

“Its the end of the gravy train if one of us was actually working during suspension, ” wailed one. “We’re not taking this lying down though. We’re working with the media to smear this industrious bastard and make sure none of us have to work again.”

Junior himself has been showing the strain. Under pressure during a live television interview, he said that he “knew of” working but failed to indicate exactly how hard he had been doing his job.

DUP to destroy Irish language, Sinn Fein 11 plus

Northern Ireland’s political parties today demonstrated the new, mature attitude we all have to politics here by revealing how the 10 government departments will be divided up between them in May.

The DUP got first pick, and it was no surprise that they took the Department for Stopping Money Getting to Nationalist Areas as the lead off.  The rest of the party’s picks were a little surprising, as they opted for the Department for Giving Grants to Unionist Businessmen, the Department for Making Sure Protestant Farmers Can Flog Land For Big Prices, and the tiny Department for the Destruction of the Irish Language and GAA (Northern Ireland).

Sinn Fein got three departments.  They surprised no one by once again going for the Department for the Abolition of the 11 plus and Promotion of Compulsory Irish.  They also chose the Department for Massive Feck-Off Cross-Border Motorways, and the Department for Ensuring Those Farmers Don’t Dig Over There Where Our Spare Semtex Is Buried.

The Ulster Unionists, who had first pick in the last, short lived executive, decided on the Department for Making Sure What’s Left Of Our Elderly Electorate And Party Workers Survive to the Next Election, and the Department for Making Sure Our Young Potential Electorate Don’t Bugger Off To Edinburgh University and Vote Conservative.

The SDLP is left with the final ministry, the Department for Encouraging People on Benefits in Catholic Areas to Drop Sinn Fein.

Overseeing all this, in a very limited manner as they can’t actually sack or move ministers, is a “reformed” bigot in a totally ridiculous hat and a “reformed” terrorist who looks like Art Garfunkel.

Good Government ahoy!!

Paisley engages in more time-bending shenanigans

The DUP initiated their desperate last attempts to avoid power-sharing with Sinn Fein today, by playing havoc with the laws of time and space.

Party chiefs emerged from today’s high level meeting insisting that it was actually 1991, and that IRA/Sinn Fein was still engaged in a terrorist campaign.

“We voted on this, and over 90% agreed that we are still stuck in the previous millenium,” frothed a party spokesman after the meeting.  “That means no decomissioning, no ceasefires and, most important of all, no egg on our faces by claiming we have smashed Sinn Fein.”

He went on to state that, by the DUP’s calendar, the 26th of March 2007 wasn’t due to occur until some time in May.

DUP leader Ian Paisley has been bending physics for some time.  During the election campaign, he repeatedly tried to insist it was the 16th century, by spouting offensive views on homosexuality and women, a position he reinforced with his dress sense both during the campaign and during today’s meeting.  Our diagram below shows Paisley (left) and an unreformed puritan with an outdated mindset.

Ian Paisley Puritan in hat

Sinn Fein today insisted that Paisley must “heed the wishes of the electorate and take off that bloody hat”.

Almighty God claims He is “powerless to stop flood”

God appearing in His chosen form

In a sensational move, The Lord Almighty has claimed he is powerless to stop the flood about to hit poor boatmaker Noah Ireland and his desendants.  And, in a staggering admission, he claims that not only will Noah get wet, but that he’ll have to pay for each drop of water sent gushing down in his catastrophic wrath.

God, sporting a healthy tan and a South African accent, laid the blame firmly at the door of the bedraggled shipwright’s elders, and at Noah himself for being led by them.  And despite being able to create worlds in seven days, and to dissolve assemblies at the drop of a hat, he insisted there was nothing he could do about the flood.

“I am a jealous God, but not a mad one, and frankly I’m a bit fed up looking after this bunch of ingrates and bigots,” he boomed.  “If your elders insist on whinging over sharing the temple to worship Me, then I’m off to become a deputy God in Hinduism, where there’s loads more people and they’re a darn sight easier to look after.”

The Lord also repeated His threat to charge for the flood He is about to send down.  “I’ve warned you before that if the flood comes, its your fault and you’re all paying for it.  Don’t forget, I can do anything!  Except stop floods, I’m not a Polish plumber you know.”

Noah has begun constructing an ark to save all life in his vicinity.  However, hopes of a rescue seem doomed as his previous effort at a boat, HMS Stormont, collapsed when it touched water, due to its mentalist construction method.

What? You want more amateur analysis of that bloody election? Yippee!

Well, we had an election that would make Donald Horowitz proud.  Voters rushing to elect the staunchest people from “their” side.  For all the talk of bread and butter (or should that be rates and water) politics, no one can seriously say that the massive votes for the DUP and Sinn Fein were based on Peter Robinson initiating a water review, or Gerry Adams promoting unified rates of corporation tax. 

Elections in Northern Ireland are different, that much is obvious.  For one thing, in other parts of Western Europe its easy to interpret exactly what an election means.  An election there is a conclusion to a process. Voters know what the elected parties stand for; all they have to do then is sit back and watch the elected making a haimes of it.

Here, its different.  There’s now more speculation following the election than there was before, thanks to the post election deadline imposed by Permatan.  Any guessing at this stage is foolish, but given the foolish stuff regularly posted by this blogger, I’m willing to bet that Stormont will be back before long.  The dastardy governments will isolate Big Ian and weaken his resolve with temptations, just like happened at St Andrews, and before you can say “tempted by the devil for 40 days in the desert” the Rev will be in his First Minister’s car.

More interesting is the impact of the elections on the parties.  The DUP are being touted as the obvious winners, as they got the most seats.  Two quick thoughts on this.  Firstly, the DUP did a brilliant job of mixing their messages, so its very hard to see if a vote for the DUP was either for or against sharing power with Sinn Fein.  This tactic maximised their mandate in this election, but no matter which way they jump now some people somewhere will be left feeling betrayed.  The second point is that this may be the last election in which the DUP can stand as the great opposers.  If Stormont comes back, they’ll have four ministers and a first minister.  They’ll have to deliver, and then run on their record positively rather than opposing their great enemies in Sinn Fein and the Ulster Unionists.  Given the possibility too of the departure of the Rev and his personal vote from the scene, it could well be that this election is the high water mark for the party.

The Ulster Unionists were hit badly by a pincer movement.  The question is what are they for, apart from laughing at?  A succession of boring, grey suited men sounded less than convincing trying to say they’d be happy sharing power with Sinn Fein.  Words and appearances were vastly different, and the UUP ended up appealing to very little.  If maintaining the union was the most important thing bar everything else, then you voted DUP.  Clever Reg underestimated the extent to which this simple question is still the number one issue in Northern Ireland.  If you wanted to move forward into a new Northern Ireland within the UK, but with proper local politics, then the confident and vibrant Alliance Party seemed to many a better bet.  The road ahead is tough for the UUP now.  A radical suggestion would be not to take up their ministerial seats, and steal the DUP’s clothes by becoming a proper opposition party, picking holes in the policies of inexperienced ministers.  Should the famed Plan B come into play, then the UUP could also have a flank to attack the DUP on more Dublin interference and higher taxes imposed by direct rule.  There is scope for a comeback, but it needs energy, courage and a radical overhaul of a party system still living in the one-party state.  The doubts are whether the party is capable of this at all.  Surrender to the DUP is still a liklihood.

The Sinn Fein performance can only be described as a triumph.  They have a number of unique characteristics that make them a formidable vote-winning machine, including expert vote management and constituency planning, iron discipline from candidates still used to a psuedo-military structure and command, hard working activists on the ground and the island’s foremost political communicator in Gerry Adams.  Their steady rise looks to have stronger foundations than the DUP, with more consolidation of their votes.  Only in Foyle was their performance perhaps a little disappointing, possibily due to voters being fed up with their top candidates being parachuted elsewhere.  A strong showing in the election south of the border could lead to Sinn Fein ministers on both sides of the border.  A cross-border body with two Sinn Fein ministers running it?  Its not so far-fetched.

The SDLP face similar problems to the UUP, in particular a lack of central control and running too many candidates.  The only way out for them now appears to be a link with a party south of the border.  Irish Labour would be closer politically, but Fianna Fail would be a smarter move.  This would undercut Sinn Fein’s “only all-Ireland” party ticket, and provide energy, experience, expertise and, most importantly, power.  The SDLP look like a party in decline, and that will never attract enough voters.  A radical overhaul is needed, akin to the British Liberal Party’s long rebirth as the Liberal Democrats, and links with the South appear to be the only way to achieve such a radical transformation.

Finally, the breakthrough of the Alliance would have made even Charles Kennedy raise a glass to his sister party.  They looked fresh faced, their focussing on “normal politics” played well with the voters they targeted and in Naomi Long they had the outstanding female candidate in this election, articulate, passionate and an excellent TV communicator.  The victory of Anna Lo in South Belfast also gave the party a real sense of identity and difference, that contrasted with the UUP’s attempt at normal politics. They are not far off a ministerial post, and the days of ignoring the “NIO plant” party, constantly cutting them out from major TV debates, may be over.

Vote Early, Often - Official Election Guidance

OFFICIAL ELECTION COMMUNICATION 

The Electoral Commission of Northern Ireland has asked all media outlets to issue the following guidance.  The purpose is to remind voters of their obligations when going to vote in today’s election.

  • Remember that the polls are only open from 7am-10pm.  If you are voting in multiple polling stations, the Roads Service have asked that you plan your route so there isn’t a hurry after 9pm, to lessen possible road accidents
  • Please remember to bring your photo ID.  If the nice man/woman canvassing at your door offers to vote for you, at least make sure they bear a passing resemblance to your photo ID.
  • Voting twice at the same polling station is discouraged, but not impossible.  Remember that there will be changes of staff at lunch and teatime, allowing you to vote often with lessening suspicion.
  • If you are in cahoots with the election officials, please do not make things too obvious by giving exaggerated winks or over-complicated handshakes in front of the candidates’ representatives.
  • It is crucial to realise that any vote for a non-sectarian party is a wasted vote.  The Electoral Commission reserve the right to lose, not count, or shred your vote if you insist on trying to elect these freaks of nature
  • The ballot is a secret ballot, but if you take a “free” black taxi ride to the polling station and then don’t vote for the party your chaffeur recommends, the Electoral Commission cannot be liable for any resulting holes in your knees/head

Owing to our incompetence there will be massive queues, and you will have to wait over two days to get the final results to a simple tally.

COMMUNICATION ENDS

SEX hits election campaign at last

After weeks of waiting, the election campaign finally got SEXED up today, with SEX becoming an election issue!

Seasoned hacks got hot under the collar as a group of women shared a platform, and began to freely and frankly discuss SEX, causing newspaper editors to sweat at the mere thought that, at last, they’d be able to put SEX into their headlines, hopefully doubling sales amongst Norn Iron’s randy readership.

“There’s not enough wimmen standing for election in this place,” droned a spokeswoman for the Women into Politics group, failing to see the irony in her whinging whilst not standing herself.  “Maybe if more women were involved, things would be different around here,” she concluded, showing scant regard for crease-free shirts amongst Northern Irish males.

Journalists left the event a bit frustrated with the lack of heat.  But it still gave them an excuse to use the word SEX in their papers (or blogs), and maybe even publish a photo of Sharon Haughey, standing for the SDLP in Armagh, to boost traditionally flagging election time sales.

Oh, by the way…. SEX.

Parties unite over key election issue!

Northern Ireland’s four main political parties are due to stun the world by issuing a joint letter, in which all of them agree and believe.

The letter will basically be one long begging plea to Gordon Brown not to leave them in the shit, running a tired, over-administrated part of the world with absolutely no infrastructure and no funds to put it right.  This could damage the popularity of people who’ve never said anything other than “No” or “Brits out”, leaving the public wondering why they’d bothered to elect any of the jokers in the first place.

They will also have the audacity to claim that they deserve to be rewarded with more public funds for simply doing the job they’ve been paid to do for almost ten years now - form an executive and make some laws, instead of engaging in childish squabbling and self-righteous one-upmanship. 

Sources close to the Treasury claim they would be stunned, except they’re too busy laughing.

 

 

Election “may come too late” for ailing Paisley

Fears are growing that leader of the DUP and expected future First Minister, “Dr” Ian Paisley, may not survive long enough to see the results of Wednesday’s Northern Ireland Assembly poll.

There has been a marked difference in Mr Paisley’s style during this campaign, as the once booming demagogue has reined in his louder, less tolerant instincts to portray himself as a respectable statesman.  And concern is mounting amongst doctors that the change may have fatal consequences for the Rev.

“Throughout Big Ian’s life, he has been healthily releasing the foul bile, constantly building up inside him as a result of his crazed paranoid worldview, in a serious of condescending, vitriolic attacks on anyone who doesn’t agree with and worship him,” said Belfast City Hospital’s Dr Thomas Tankengine, who got his doctorate from a real university, and not from some tuppance-ha’penny place in the American mid-West in return for shiny plastic beads. 

“Since he went on the hustings for this poll however, he has had to refrain from his more mental statements, and instead talk about non-religious or constitutional matters, like water rates and jobs.  All his hate is just swimming around inside him with no outlet.  Its the equivalent of gorging yourself on prunes, bran flakes and wholemeal bread, then shoving a butt-plug up your arse.”

Dr Tankengine refused to be drawn on what the exact outcome would be, but did warn that “an explosion of poison from a man of Paisley’s size may take down his whole party.”  DUP mandarins have been drawing lots to sit beside their leader on the party’s battlebus, with the shortest being forced to listen to noxious escaping noises of “treachery”, “popery” and “Dublin” coming from the Rev’s body as he sleeps between events.

Opinion is split as to the Big Man’s likely fate.  Some believe that, when the executive is up and running, Paisley will find a new outlet for his malevolence, as expressed by Peter Robinson yesterday.  Others within the party, however, just want the old man to croak.

“The Power” checks out on double bottoms

With all the uncertainty surrounding whether or not democratically accountable government is going to return after the election on Wednesday, there was at least one piece of concrete news that should benefit Northern Ireland no matter what happens on Wednesday.

Phil “The Power” Taylor, Permatan Peter Hain’s chief advisor, is leaving Norn Iron to do his master’s bidding in the much more important Labour Deputy Leadership Contest.  Old Permatan is bound to be leaving here when Brown gets in no matter what happens, and even if he loses the Deputy Leadership contest (which at the moment looks probable) his future surely likes back in Britain, and Taylor will be over there preparing the way.

The Power has been a disaster for democracy in Northern Ireland.  He has continually not just altered, but completely reversed government policy here.  Civil servants have been bemoaning his extraordinary transformations virtually since he arrived along with the damaged-skinned one.  Whilst annoying civil servants is, of course, not a bad thing, making policy decisions based on consistency with Labour’s policies in Britian, never mind their effect in Northern Ireland, was extremely harmful.  

He also hit the bullseye when it came to winding up the local politicians.  They get a slating here, but they HAVE been elected by local voters on their own manifestoes.  Ignoring this and administering a manifesto for another island, which no-one here even got the chance to endorse, was arrogant, wrong-headed bullying.  If it was all a dastardly tactic to get people to bring back devolution then there may be an argument for some honour in the Power’s behaviour. 

The point is, however, devolution is not yet in the bag.  And Taylor has shown his, and really his master’s, commitment to the place by clearing off home before waiting around to see the consequences of his policies either way.  We’ve enough self-important bullies from our own parties without importing dregs from across the water.  Good riddance.