Archive for the 'Belfast' Category

MLA “actually worked during suspension” shock

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on November 4, 2007
in Belfast, DUP, Humour, Ireland, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, assembly, elections, giants causeway, ian paisley, ian paisley jnr and irish politics
. 5 Comments

Ian Paisley junior: industrious bastard

The press and political community in Northern Ireland has been thrown into turmoil by shocking revelations involving Ian Paislely jnr MLA.

In a series of exhaustive reports both print and broadcast media have been reporting stunning allegations suggesting that, despite the Assembly being suspended, the MLA (known as “junior” or “waste of big Ian’s spunk”) had been doing part of the job he was being been paid to do.

“This makes us look like fools, ” raged “special investigations” correspondents across all of the North’s papers and press agencies. “For years we were feeding the line that these guys were a bunch of work-shy layabouts. Now we discover one of them was actually writing letters on behalf of his constitutents, like a proper politician!”

“If we find out other MLAs were doing the same, ” the reporter’s voice quivered, “we might actually have to do work like proper journalists ourselves. Then we’re fecked.”

Fear has also mounted amongst other MLAs, who had been doing their best to live up to their voters’ expectations by scratching their arses for the suspension years.

“Its the end of the gravy train if one of us was actually working during suspension, ” wailed one. “We’re not taking this lying down though. We’re working with the media to smear this industrious bastard and make sure none of us have to work again.”

Junior himself has been showing the strain. Under pressure during a live television interview, he said that he “knew of” working but failed to indicate exactly how hard he had been doing his job.

Luxury Shankill flats “not wanted”: DUP

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on May 17, 2007
in Belfast, DUP, Humour, Ireland, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, economy and irish politics
. 3 Comments

Diane Dodds, DUP councillor on the Shankill Road, has reacted angrily to the decision to build a block of luxury flats in the area.

“We in the upper reaches of the DUP have spent years keeping loyalist people in poverty and ignorance, ” said Mrs Dodds, who was on the way to the bank to cash her husband’s first monthly pay packet of £9166.

“After all, this is the only way they’d believe that, despite all the social deprivation in the area, the most important thing in their lives is a having a British passport.  And we’ve been laughing all the way to the ballot box, and the bank, ever since!”

“When they see how well off other people in Northern Ireland are, right on their own doorsteps, they might ask whether we should have been doing something more important over the last 30 years than stopping road signs going up in Irish.  It must be stopped!” she concluded before speeding off to her own, non-working class, home.

Post Office closures will “hit ex-terrorists hardest”

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on May 17, 2007
in Belfast, Humour, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, Sinn Fein, assembly, irish politics and post office
. 3 Comments

Sinn Fein have slammed the Government’s decision to close Post Offices in Northern Ireland, claiming that the ex-terrorist community will be hardest hit by the branch closures.

“It takes a long time for people to get ‘weaned off’ active service, and its a disgrace that the British Government is taken this decision with no idea of its impact,” said in-no-way-former-terrorist-or-terrorist-representative Francie Molloy, Sinn Fein MLA. 

“Post Offices play a valuble role in isolated areas, providing a source of income and a gentle form of therapy for former volunteers who, whilst they aren’t bombing and shooting anymore, still need the thrill of holding up a counter and making off with thousands in used notes, ” he continued.  “Sure its only a wee bit of money, and its a victimless activity.”

The news will also worry ex-IRA treasurers, who had been hoping to use Post Offices to fill the large gap in the organisation’s pension fund caused by the failure of the Northern Bank robbery.  Reports however that, in desperation, raids have been planned on the dinner money of Northern Irish schoolkids have been denied by Education Minister, Catroina Ruane.

Drug-taking teens “a step in the right direction” says report

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on April 17, 2007
in Belfast, Humour, News, Northern Ireland and drugs
. 1 Comment

 

hehehehe i'm starving

 

A report published by Queens University has revealed encouraging changes in the behaviour of teenagers in Northern Ireland.

“For the past 30 years or so, our young people have been engaged in pointless and frankly worrying activities, such as engaging in politics and sectarian rioting, ” said the report’s author, Professor Mad O’Baggins.

“Recent studies, however, have shown that today’s kids have moved away from such unnatural urges, and are instead participating in healthy activities, such as experimenting with household substances and smoking dope daily.  Getting stoned takes their minds off the old pastimes like stoning the police, and leads to a much more positive situation for everyone.”

“Dope slows you down and stops you thinking, and a good daily dose keeps them from realising how bleak and limited their futures are in a tiny place like here.”

Professor O’Baggins insisted, however, that there was still a long way to go.  “Our kids are still a long way behind in under-age sex and taking legal drugs such as alcohol, ” he warned.  “Without vital education in the non-use of condoms and the wonders of Buckfast, we will remain far behind more civilised places, such as any comparable city in Great Britain.”

DUP Poots stadium in Maze

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on April 16, 2007
in Belfast, DUP, Ireland, News, Northern Ireland, Sinn Fein, assembly, edwin poots, football, irish politics, northern irish football and soccer
. 2 Comments

The DUP’s appointment of Edwin Poots as the minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure from next month has raised some eyebrows.  The biggest issue facing the culture Department is the location of the new national stadium for Northern Ireland.

Mr Poots’ position on this is quite clear.  Like virtually every other big capital investment that has been proposed, Poots wants the stadium to be located in the Maze, in his constituency.  He was even Chair of a development group tasked with making this happen.  There have been rumours of a dirty deal between Sinn Fein and the DUP to ensure this happens, as the Shinners want a memorial to the hunger strikers to also be a part of the Maze development.

Where all this is leading has the potential to be quite worrying, not least for Sinn Fein, who would do well to note Poots’ opinions on other areas within his new remit.  He has come from nowhere to gain a prominent role in the new administration, and you can’t help wondering why neither Nigel “Diddyman” Dodds, Jeffery “Daniel” Donaldson or Gregory “Londonderry Rangers” Campbell are in at the moment.   Is Paisley’s position within his own party maybe not as secure as everyone is letting on?

Most GAA, Rugby and soccer fans would rather see the stadium in Belfast.  Most people in Northern Ireland wouldn’t be too exercised about a memorial to the hunger strikers.  But if the way to avoid a “battle a day” is to staff the Departments with Paisley’s most unquestioning adherants and let them do deals with Sinn Fein for each of their narrow ends, then good government looks a long way away. 

Good weather “just the start” say Stormont Officials

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on April 7, 2007
in Belfast, Humour, Northern Ireland, Politics and irish politics
. 2 Comments

Officials working for the new power-sharing executive at Stormont have insisted that the extended good weather Northern Ireland has enjoyed since the Paisley-Adams press conference is just the beginning of life in the new paradise. 

Policy-makers have outlined a Programme for Government that will make the six counties a proper Garden of Eden, and its all thanks to us leaving our hated-filled past behind.

Proposals for the future include:

  • Birds suddenly appearing when you are near
  • Butterflies compulsory from April to October
  • Hangover-free beer sold half price in all pubs
  • Guaranteed romps with either Orlaith McAllistar or the Norn Irish bloke from Shameless, depending on your gender and persuasion

“Life really will be worth living now we all get along famously, ” said a source close to the Executive. “People will always have a smile on their faces and a song in their hearts, even if you hum The Sash on the Falls Road or say you’re from Derry on the Shankill.”

“Oh yes, its all great from now on.  We’re home on a boat.  Honest.”

DUP to destroy Irish language, Sinn Fein 11 plus

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on April 2, 2007
in Belfast, DUP, Humour, Ireland, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, SDLP, Sectarian, Sinn Fein, UUP, economy, elections, ian paisley, irish politics and peter robinson
. 0 Comments

Northern Ireland’s political parties today demonstrated the new, mature attitude we all have to politics here by revealing how the 10 government departments will be divided up between them in May.

The DUP got first pick, and it was no surprise that they took the Department for Stopping Money Getting to Nationalist Areas as the lead off.  The rest of the party’s picks were a little surprising, as they opted for the Department for Giving Grants to Unionist Businessmen, the Department for Making Sure Protestant Farmers Can Flog Land For Big Prices, and the tiny Department for the Destruction of the Irish Language and GAA (Northern Ireland).

Sinn Fein got three departments.  They surprised no one by once again going for the Department for the Abolition of the 11 plus and Promotion of Compulsory Irish.  They also chose the Department for Massive Feck-Off Cross-Border Motorways, and the Department for Ensuring Those Farmers Don’t Dig Over There Where Our Spare Semtex Is Buried.

The Ulster Unionists, who had first pick in the last, short lived executive, decided on the Department for Making Sure What’s Left Of Our Elderly Electorate And Party Workers Survive to the Next Election, and the Department for Making Sure Our Young Potential Electorate Don’t Bugger Off To Edinburgh University and Vote Conservative.

The SDLP is left with the final ministry, the Department for Encouraging People on Benefits in Catholic Areas to Drop Sinn Fein.

Overseeing all this, in a very limited manner as they can’t actually sack or move ministers, is a “reformed” bigot in a totally ridiculous hat and a “reformed” terrorist who looks like Art Garfunkel.

Good Government ahoy!!

Allister just the beginning as worrying splits continue in DUP

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on March 31, 2007
in Belfast, DUP, Humour, Ireland, Jim Allister, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, Sectarian, assembly, ian paisley, irish politics and peter robinson
. 0 Comments

Concern is beginning to spread that the DUP may not hold together following the historic decision to share power with Sinn Fein.

Jim Allister at his press conference announcing his resignation

The first major sign of dissent came with Jim Allister, the party’s MEP and a major player in the fantasy look-a-like community, resigning from the party.  At a press conference to announce his decision, Allister seemed, barely able to control his anger.  “Thieves, they’ve stolen our preciousssss union, nasty rude hobbitses, we hates them forever, gollum!”

A flurry of councillors in liberal Ballymena have also since resigned, worried that the party have been rushing to embrace Sinn Fein too quickly.   

Peter Robinson new election poster

Deputy DUP leader and potential finance Minister Peadair Mhic Róibín has insisted, however, that events aren’t moving too quickly, and that the party has not betrayed its principles and sold out in return for the trappings of power.  A statement said that “now is the time to move forward for the future of us all.  Is mise Peadair.”

God “plague threat” wins day

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on March 26, 2007
in Belfast, DUP, Humour, Ireland, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, Sinn Fein, assembly, ian paisley, irish politics and peter hain
. 1 Comment

God speaking to frightened subjects

God today claimed total credit for the breakthrough in the Northern Ireland peace process, declaring that his threats of a plague had forced political leaders to repent and amend their ways. 

God, showing signs of tanning and skin damage from appearing too close to the sun, boomed out in a loud voice:

“And I hardened the hearts of the tribe of Adams who hath a beard, and the tribe of Paisley who hath a stupid fecking hat;

And I said unto them ‘Lo!  If you doth not repent and forgive your enemy seven times seventy times, and suffer to speak unto them, then I shall unleash a plague of letters demanding payment for the very water which gushes so frequently from the heavens’;

And they were frightened of this wrathful and jealous God, and did spake unto each other ‘Brother, let us put aside our differences, and repent, so that we may drive around in Ministerial cars and gain large wages courtesy of the taxpayer and Gordon Brown’;

And I saw this, and was glad, and verily showed My pleasure by making the impossible possible, introducing emergency legislation in the Commons to delay dissolution for 6 weeks.”

Critics tried to accuse God of lying about the plague, but before they could claim it was all a ruse to get what He wanted God had turned them into a pillar of suntan lotion.

Paisley engages in more time-bending shenanigans

Published
by
Sarah Curran
on March 24, 2007
in Belfast, DUP, Humour, Ireland, News, Northern Ireland, Politics, Sectarian, Sinn Fein, elections, ian paisley and irish politics
. 0 Comments

The DUP initiated their desperate last attempts to avoid power-sharing with Sinn Fein today, by playing havoc with the laws of time and space.

Party chiefs emerged from today’s high level meeting insisting that it was actually 1991, and that IRA/Sinn Fein was still engaged in a terrorist campaign.

“We voted on this, and over 90% agreed that we are still stuck in the previous millenium,” frothed a party spokesman after the meeting.  “That means no decomissioning, no ceasefires and, most important of all, no egg on our faces by claiming we have smashed Sinn Fein.”

He went on to state that, by the DUP’s calendar, the 26th of March 2007 wasn’t due to occur until some time in May.

DUP leader Ian Paisley has been bending physics for some time.  During the election campaign, he repeatedly tried to insist it was the 16th century, by spouting offensive views on homosexuality and women, a position he reinforced with his dress sense both during the campaign and during today’s meeting.  Our diagram below shows Paisley (left) and an unreformed puritan with an outdated mindset.

Ian Paisley Puritan in hat

Sinn Fein today insisted that Paisley must “heed the wishes of the electorate and take off that bloody hat”.