Archive for the 'UUP' Category

Begone, peasants: Trimble’s message to previous electors

Lord Trimble of His Own Arsehole will soon have television viewers across the UK checking the colour settings on their TV, as he gets strangely embarrassed over the slightest question for his new party, the Conservatives.

Never one to belittle his own importance or ambition, Trimble extracted himself from his nether regions to reveal that bringing his previous party to the point of annihilation has been all part of a cunning plan to get him a position within David Cameron’s Tories, where he laughably insists he won’t be rushing into a shadow cabinet post.  Cameron welcomed Trimble whilst definitely not wiping a white powder away from his nose.

Trimble has been feted by the Conservative Party for years as a statesman and a kind of genius politician who rescued Northern Ireland from the abyss.  While he did play his part in our wonderful new politics, people often tend to forget the image and event that got him elected on a hardline ticket as UUP leader, the march down the Garvaghy Road with Big Ian.  As leader, he copied that most beloved Conservative, Margaret Thatcher, by developing and sticking to a policy that spelled out electoral suicide for his party. 

Now he’s got bigger fish to fry, and he won’t have to endure the bizarre scenes outside his own count during elections where he was jostled and manhandled.  Trimble always appeared aloof and uneasy in dealings with his own electorate and the great unwashed. The Lords are much more suitable and genteel, but he comes into the Tories with a big reputation, and the young non-cocaine takers of Cameron’s new Conservatives will want something major from their new Nobel laureate.  They are changing the Party from the one Trimble once knew at a rapid pace, and the marriage may not be the one made in heaven Lord of his Own Arsehole is expecting.

DUP to destroy Irish language, Sinn Fein 11 plus

Northern Ireland’s political parties today demonstrated the new, mature attitude we all have to politics here by revealing how the 10 government departments will be divided up between them in May.

The DUP got first pick, and it was no surprise that they took the Department for Stopping Money Getting to Nationalist Areas as the lead off.  The rest of the party’s picks were a little surprising, as they opted for the Department for Giving Grants to Unionist Businessmen, the Department for Making Sure Protestant Farmers Can Flog Land For Big Prices, and the tiny Department for the Destruction of the Irish Language and GAA (Northern Ireland).

Sinn Fein got three departments.  They surprised no one by once again going for the Department for the Abolition of the 11 plus and Promotion of Compulsory Irish.  They also chose the Department for Massive Feck-Off Cross-Border Motorways, and the Department for Ensuring Those Farmers Don’t Dig Over There Where Our Spare Semtex Is Buried.

The Ulster Unionists, who had first pick in the last, short lived executive, decided on the Department for Making Sure What’s Left Of Our Elderly Electorate And Party Workers Survive to the Next Election, and the Department for Making Sure Our Young Potential Electorate Don’t Bugger Off To Edinburgh University and Vote Conservative.

The SDLP is left with the final ministry, the Department for Encouraging People on Benefits in Catholic Areas to Drop Sinn Fein.

Overseeing all this, in a very limited manner as they can’t actually sack or move ministers, is a “reformed” bigot in a totally ridiculous hat and a “reformed” terrorist who looks like Art Garfunkel.

Good Government ahoy!!

What? You want more amateur analysis of that bloody election? Yippee!

Well, we had an election that would make Donald Horowitz proud.  Voters rushing to elect the staunchest people from “their” side.  For all the talk of bread and butter (or should that be rates and water) politics, no one can seriously say that the massive votes for the DUP and Sinn Fein were based on Peter Robinson initiating a water review, or Gerry Adams promoting unified rates of corporation tax. 

Elections in Northern Ireland are different, that much is obvious.  For one thing, in other parts of Western Europe its easy to interpret exactly what an election means.  An election there is a conclusion to a process. Voters know what the elected parties stand for; all they have to do then is sit back and watch the elected making a haimes of it.

Here, its different.  There’s now more speculation following the election than there was before, thanks to the post election deadline imposed by Permatan.  Any guessing at this stage is foolish, but given the foolish stuff regularly posted by this blogger, I’m willing to bet that Stormont will be back before long.  The dastardy governments will isolate Big Ian and weaken his resolve with temptations, just like happened at St Andrews, and before you can say “tempted by the devil for 40 days in the desert” the Rev will be in his First Minister’s car.

More interesting is the impact of the elections on the parties.  The DUP are being touted as the obvious winners, as they got the most seats.  Two quick thoughts on this.  Firstly, the DUP did a brilliant job of mixing their messages, so its very hard to see if a vote for the DUP was either for or against sharing power with Sinn Fein.  This tactic maximised their mandate in this election, but no matter which way they jump now some people somewhere will be left feeling betrayed.  The second point is that this may be the last election in which the DUP can stand as the great opposers.  If Stormont comes back, they’ll have four ministers and a first minister.  They’ll have to deliver, and then run on their record positively rather than opposing their great enemies in Sinn Fein and the Ulster Unionists.  Given the possibility too of the departure of the Rev and his personal vote from the scene, it could well be that this election is the high water mark for the party.

The Ulster Unionists were hit badly by a pincer movement.  The question is what are they for, apart from laughing at?  A succession of boring, grey suited men sounded less than convincing trying to say they’d be happy sharing power with Sinn Fein.  Words and appearances were vastly different, and the UUP ended up appealing to very little.  If maintaining the union was the most important thing bar everything else, then you voted DUP.  Clever Reg underestimated the extent to which this simple question is still the number one issue in Northern Ireland.  If you wanted to move forward into a new Northern Ireland within the UK, but with proper local politics, then the confident and vibrant Alliance Party seemed to many a better bet.  The road ahead is tough for the UUP now.  A radical suggestion would be not to take up their ministerial seats, and steal the DUP’s clothes by becoming a proper opposition party, picking holes in the policies of inexperienced ministers.  Should the famed Plan B come into play, then the UUP could also have a flank to attack the DUP on more Dublin interference and higher taxes imposed by direct rule.  There is scope for a comeback, but it needs energy, courage and a radical overhaul of a party system still living in the one-party state.  The doubts are whether the party is capable of this at all.  Surrender to the DUP is still a liklihood.

The Sinn Fein performance can only be described as a triumph.  They have a number of unique characteristics that make them a formidable vote-winning machine, including expert vote management and constituency planning, iron discipline from candidates still used to a psuedo-military structure and command, hard working activists on the ground and the island’s foremost political communicator in Gerry Adams.  Their steady rise looks to have stronger foundations than the DUP, with more consolidation of their votes.  Only in Foyle was their performance perhaps a little disappointing, possibily due to voters being fed up with their top candidates being parachuted elsewhere.  A strong showing in the election south of the border could lead to Sinn Fein ministers on both sides of the border.  A cross-border body with two Sinn Fein ministers running it?  Its not so far-fetched.

The SDLP face similar problems to the UUP, in particular a lack of central control and running too many candidates.  The only way out for them now appears to be a link with a party south of the border.  Irish Labour would be closer politically, but Fianna Fail would be a smarter move.  This would undercut Sinn Fein’s “only all-Ireland” party ticket, and provide energy, experience, expertise and, most importantly, power.  The SDLP look like a party in decline, and that will never attract enough voters.  A radical overhaul is needed, akin to the British Liberal Party’s long rebirth as the Liberal Democrats, and links with the South appear to be the only way to achieve such a radical transformation.

Finally, the breakthrough of the Alliance would have made even Charles Kennedy raise a glass to his sister party.  They looked fresh faced, their focussing on “normal politics” played well with the voters they targeted and in Naomi Long they had the outstanding female candidate in this election, articulate, passionate and an excellent TV communicator.  The victory of Anna Lo in South Belfast also gave the party a real sense of identity and difference, that contrasted with the UUP’s attempt at normal politics. They are not far off a ministerial post, and the days of ignoring the “NIO plant” party, constantly cutting them out from major TV debates, may be over.

Vote Early, Often - Official Election Guidance

OFFICIAL ELECTION COMMUNICATION 

The Electoral Commission of Northern Ireland has asked all media outlets to issue the following guidance.  The purpose is to remind voters of their obligations when going to vote in today’s election.

  • Remember that the polls are only open from 7am-10pm.  If you are voting in multiple polling stations, the Roads Service have asked that you plan your route so there isn’t a hurry after 9pm, to lessen possible road accidents
  • Please remember to bring your photo ID.  If the nice man/woman canvassing at your door offers to vote for you, at least make sure they bear a passing resemblance to your photo ID.
  • Voting twice at the same polling station is discouraged, but not impossible.  Remember that there will be changes of staff at lunch and teatime, allowing you to vote often with lessening suspicion.
  • If you are in cahoots with the election officials, please do not make things too obvious by giving exaggerated winks or over-complicated handshakes in front of the candidates’ representatives.
  • It is crucial to realise that any vote for a non-sectarian party is a wasted vote.  The Electoral Commission reserve the right to lose, not count, or shred your vote if you insist on trying to elect these freaks of nature
  • The ballot is a secret ballot, but if you take a “free” black taxi ride to the polling station and then don’t vote for the party your chaffeur recommends, the Electoral Commission cannot be liable for any resulting holes in your knees/head

Owing to our incompetence there will be massive queues, and you will have to wait over two days to get the final results to a simple tally.

COMMUNICATION ENDS

Parties unite over key election issue!

Northern Ireland’s four main political parties are due to stun the world by issuing a joint letter, in which all of them agree and believe.

The letter will basically be one long begging plea to Gordon Brown not to leave them in the shit, running a tired, over-administrated part of the world with absolutely no infrastructure and no funds to put it right.  This could damage the popularity of people who’ve never said anything other than “No” or “Brits out”, leaving the public wondering why they’d bothered to elect any of the jokers in the first place.

They will also have the audacity to claim that they deserve to be rewarded with more public funds for simply doing the job they’ve been paid to do for almost ten years now - form an executive and make some laws, instead of engaging in childish squabbling and self-righteous one-upmanship. 

Sources close to the Treasury claim they would be stunned, except they’re too busy laughing.

 

 

Spring is in the Autumn Air

Anyone else noticed the prospect of a new dawn for politics here?  A faint whiff of spring in the squally autumn air?

Me neither.  But you can’t deny certain events in the last week indicate that the unthinkable might happen, and that Big Ian and Beardy Gerry might soon be saying “I do” to each other over the Stormont altar, and then engaging in some, quite frankly, vomit-inducing nuptials afterwards.  Before revealing the happy couple’s new house, however, let’s all put on Lloyd Grossman voices and look at the evidence.

Spring gambol 1 - The positive IMC report hasn’t been completely rubbished by the DUP.  The DUP not completely rubbishing anything is, in reality, their strongest form of endorsement.  Of course they didn’t say it was wonderful, but they never will.  Its all about shifts in language.  Which brings us onto

Spring gambol 2 - Supreme Dictator Peter Permatan Hain wouldn’t be running for “New” Labour deputy leadership if he wasn’t able to play hard and fast with language.  Suddenly the famous November deadline isn’t one for getting the assembly running, its one to get agreement to get the assembly running.  This allows the DUP to not-rubbish another IMC report, and Sinn Fein to finally finally not rubbish the local police force before they go into full government.  And that has resulted in…

Spring gambol 3 - An increased sense of desperation from the UUP and SDLP as they once again see their futures disappear, wrecked by not being orange or green enough.  Their embarrassing joint fact-finding trip to Scotland shows just how far removed from the action these two once-popular parties are.  As votes, membership and funding falls, how long before one becomes Fianna Fail in the 6 counties and the other becomes the Northern Ireland branch of the Conservatives?  Speaking of funding…

Spring gambol 4 - The Northern Ireland Civil Service has started trawling internally for Private Secretary posts to serve the new First and Deputy First Ministers.  No way would funding be diverted to this unless beancounting madarins in Stormont were pretty sure something was going to happen soon.

So who would make a deal like this?  Its far from certain that I&G will be the new Mr and Mrs up the hill in a few months time.  But you have to admit there’s a certain something different in the air right now.

Democracy in crisis as MP meets MPs

Democracy was left fighting for its life today as a fairly and lawfully elected politician from one country met a group of fairly and lawfully elected politicans from another country.

Representatives from bastions of democracy like the Ulster Unionist Party, which was so keen on democracy it ruled a one party state for 50 years, and the current US administration, which gained power in a democratic election by gaining less votes than its opponent, criticised the politicians for meeting each other in an open fashion and trying to learn from each other’s history.

Critics of the move claimed that the meeting was only designed to boost the prospects of the attendees at their respective elections, which is anathema in any democracy.

The British Labour Party has not reacted to the meeting, but demonstrated how sensible politicians behave in a mature democracy by ditching open dialogue and discussion.  Instead they showed that the best way to choose the leader of a nuclear power is by signing childish notes, whispering behind each other’s back and giving cowardly briefings to any foolish passing journalist who is interested.

 

 

Permatan Pete Pricks Egos

MLAs across the spectrum have reacted with outrage to the suggestion that they will lose their support staff if they continue to not do their jobs.

Northern Ireland’s Deity, Peter Hain, has said that lawmakers don’t need staff to support them if they haven’t made any laws in nearly four years.  Selfless politicians, however, have been quick to point out the flaws in the plan.

“How am I going to find more work for my wife?” said one.  “We’ve a mortgage to pay, you know.”

Another claimed that he was quite prepared to lose his pay, but taking away his staff’s salary was an outrage.  “Its fair enough to take away member’s salary, ” he lied, “but my ego depends on being able to order people about.  Has Mr Hain thought through the consequences of removing the last trappings of power away from a bunch of sanctamonious self-important popinjays?  I bet not!”

 

DUP Out Perform Other Parties

Newsline

The DUP seem to being doing a better job of drawing attention of themselves then the other northern parties. SDLP hold up the tail with a late spurt of attention (might be their flag thing), while slow and low approach taken by the now all inclusive UUP. Sinn Fein being hot rats briefly in April are maintaining second fiddle to ever present white noise of the DUP who are most likely up because they spend most of their time shouting!

Gerry and Ian

Rather then the always on approach of Ian Paisley, Gerry Adams has his moments in the sun, but by comparison to more important figures in the UK the two heros of northern politics flat-line.

teletubbies

The good reverend is not impressed but is getting his game face on!

Paisley

Cat and dog start fight in room

A cat and a dog have started a fight in a room after being locked in together.

The owner of the two pets, a Mr Peter “Orangeskin” Hain, denied accusations that he shouldn’t have put the two animals in the same room, given that everyone under the age of four knows that cats and dogs don’t get on.

You can sort out for yourselves which party takes the role of bullying dogs or sneaky cats.